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Heartaches and Stakes / Dracula's New Groove
Ever imagine Count Dracula fumbling with a feather quill, drafting a love letter destined for the butcher's daughter? That's the kind of rib-tickling romp we have in store for you, as we navigate the Count's comically earnest attempts to celebrate Valentine's Day in his uniquely vampiric way. From an overeager skeleton courier to a potion snafu that leaves our undead hero purring rather than prowling, we've folded in a delightful mix of humor and horror that will have you laughing out loud. As the yarn spins, we're joined by Sir Bones, whose bone-rattling dedication to mail delivery brings a whole new meaning to 'going postal' amid the love-struck chaos.
Cats may have nine lives, but how will one vampire-turned-feline fare against the playful wrath of tail-wagging pursuers in the alleyways of Honeydale? Brace yourselves as Dracula's pursuit of affection leads to a whisker-tingling chase, setting the stage for a close encounter with a treasure trove that would leave even the most seasoned adventurer wide-eyed. And as if this escapade couldn't get any more thrilling, a dragon's snore adds an incendiary twist to the narrative. Will our charming Count's 'perfect plan' stand the heat, or will it go up in flames? Join us as we scratch beneath the surface of this fanciful tale where love, laughs, and a dash of danger make for an unforgettable Valentine's Day misadventure.
Greetings. This coming episode will be our Valentine's Day episode. Please enjoy.
Speaker 2:My darling, my love, my Dracula, my love, kiss me.
Speaker 1:Dracula floats through the clouds toward the butcher's daughter and goes in for a big kiss. I don't mean to interrupt your date, but, uh, you're kissing Wilson. Dracula awakens from his daydream.
Speaker 2:My apologies. Uh, talking voice in my head, I got carried away with my perfect plan.
Speaker 1:Ah ah, ah, okay, I'll bite. What perfect plan have you concocted now?
Speaker 2:Why? It is a simple step.
Speaker 1:You see, as you look at Wilson, the whiteboard who has been scarred for life from Dracula's sleepwalking, you notice that he seems to be malfunctioning. Large letters saying ERROR appear on the once happy whiteboard. Oh dear, I think you broke him.
Speaker 2:Ah, nothing, a potion from the Batlab can't fix later.
Speaker 1:With a snap of his fingers, Dracula transports the mentally broken whiteboard to the Batlab.
Speaker 2:As I was saying, though step one write the perfect Valentine's letter. Step two deliver it perfectly. Write the perfect Valentine's letter. Step 2. Deliver it perfectly. Step 3. Receive her perfect response. Step 4. Have the perfect date. Step 5. Have the perfect wedding. Ah, ah, ah. Step five have the perfect wedding. Ah, ah, ah. Step six have the perfect life. It's the perfect plan. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
Speaker 1:Ah, ah ah, I see you've put a lot of thought into this. Count, count. What does Igor?
Speaker 2:think I have no idea. I haven't seen him today. I gave him the morning off. It's.
Speaker 1:Valentine's after all. Before you gave him the morning off, please tell me that he at least helped you write the letter.
Speaker 2:I don't need Eagle's help with the letter. I'm a master at my craft. I can write the perfect letter in two minutes.
Speaker 1:No, screw that In less than a minute. Well, I better go get some more popcorn. Many hours later.
Speaker 2:Dear Butcher's Daughter. Ah, I should really learn her name one of these days.
Speaker 4:I say as I crumble up another failed letter and grab a new one.
Speaker 2:Um, ah, dear beloved, perfect. Hmm, what do women like? Maybe I should have waited for Igor. No, I got this. I am the lord of darkness. I can write other letter. Poetry, yes, poetry, of course.
Speaker 1:Oi camera guy zoom in.
Speaker 2:I can see what you wrote. Oh yes, done, it's perfect.
Speaker 4:Now it is time for step two. I leave the study with the letter Dang it.
Speaker 1:I wanted to see. Several hours later we find Igor back at the castle sweeping one of the castle hallways.
Speaker 2:Igor, igor, where are you?
Speaker 1:Down here, master Cleaning. Who said you could stop?
Speaker 2:Igor says to the broom which rapidly starts sweeping on its own for dear life. Ah, there you are, Igor. Did any mail arrive yet?
Speaker 1:No, master. Are you expecting something?
Speaker 2:Yes, I sent the butcher's daughterFECT Valentine's Day card. Any moment now I expect her perfect response.
Speaker 1:Oh, I see, Master, I missed a lot this morning. I know I shouldn't have left. Excellent, master, I'm sure you will have her response any minute. Now Wait, master, if you're waiting for her response. Who delivered the letter?
Speaker 2:Why the Royal Mail Courier, of course. Who else would do it?
Speaker 1:Sir Bones sir.
Speaker 2:Yes, of course. He has been serving and delivering our letters for generations.
Speaker 1:But he's a skeleton Master. Don't you think that might cause problems in town?
Speaker 2:Of course not he's. He is the perfect undead person to deliver my letter.
Speaker 1:We find ourselves with Sir Bones, the royal mail courier, as he makes his way to town to deliver Dracula's letter. Wait, what is that music? We see a skeleton in a fancy black and red suit with a large top hat walking happily down the street toward town or town.
Speaker 3:In a town where the moon always shines, there's a skeleton with some sick dance lines. I've got a smile that could light up the night. Sir Bones is my name and I'm quite a sight. Sir Bones is my name and I'm quite a sight. Oh, what a beautiful day.
Speaker 1:Sir Bones, seeing some villagers in the fields, waves to them joyfully.
Speaker 4:Oh hello.
Speaker 3:Hello, hello Happy.
Speaker 1:Valentine's Day, good afternoon. The villagers scream and run away.
Speaker 2:Ah Flee Run. The end is near. The end is near. It is the end of the world. Skeletons, the skeletons are coming.
Speaker 1:The entire town screams and runs indoors to escape the skeletons. Shortly after, sir Bones enters the town whistling, happily Only Dennis, the werepup, remains outdoors waiting for Sir Bones.
Speaker 3:Oh hello, young pup. Happy Valentine's Day. Good day, mmm bones. Hehehehe, goodie Mmm Baa. Oh Mmm, hehehe, nice doggy. Could you tell me where the butcher's daughter lives, please, pretty please.
Speaker 1:Dennis takes a moment to ponder his options.
Speaker 5:Where's the other guy? Ah, there you are. Other shoulder devil. Sorry, I was stuck in traffic. What's the scoop, boss? Well, this walking pile of juicy bones is asking for help. On the one paw I could help him and maybe get bones, but on the other paw, entertainment.
Speaker 1:Entertainment.
Speaker 5:She lives there.
Speaker 1:Dennis says, pointing to a broken-down house in the alley. That is definitely not the butcher's shop.
Speaker 3:Oh, thank you, good boy, oh pet pet.
Speaker 1:So Bones turns and walks joyfully into the alley toward the broken-down house. Dennis showed him. He approaches the door and gives it a friendly knock. The door slides open with a loud eerie creak.
Speaker 5:Who is it?
Speaker 3:Greetings. I have come to deliver a Valentine's Day letter to the lady of the house.
Speaker 4:Yes, oh my, why. Thank you, my good man.
Speaker 3:You're most welcome, lady. Have a happy Valentine's Day. Yes, yes.
Speaker 1:That was definitely not the butcher's daughter, dennis. What have you done? Entertainment? So that's how it went. Well, I hope you all have some popcorn to enjoy Dracula's perfect date. We find Dracula staring at the clock. Master, just because you stare at the clock will not make the time go faster, and please do not think of casting another time spell. I do not want to have to clean up yet another grandfather paradox. Grandfather paradox. Do I want to know? No, you do not.
Speaker 2:Ah, perfect timing. We may begin step three the perfect date.
Speaker 4:I say as I walk to the door.
Speaker 2:Come Igor, love awaits.
Speaker 4:I open the door excitedly. Hello, cutie.
Speaker 2:I'm here for our date, ah.
Speaker 1:So until we get sponsors, we'll just introduce you to the cast Nathan Wilson, the Whiteboard, known for great note-taking, active listening and most recently becoming a were-whiteboard thanks to Dracula's experiments. As you can see from his appearance, wilson's the whiteboard. Wait, what do you mean? You can't see him. He's right here. What do you mean? Podcast? What does that mean? Do you not have eyes? Is he beneath your notice or something? Because he's a whiteboard. Oh, now look at what you've done. You've made him cry. I didn't even know that was physically possible, but you went and did it. Did you think he doesn't have feelings that he's some object you can disrespect? He can feel joy, he can feel sorrow, he can feel love. He's got a soul, not just a person as you or I. He's got such a beautiful soul. You okay, I'm fine, want to talk about it? No, shut up. Are you drunk? No, shut up. Are you drunk? No, what kind of dwarf would get drunk on his swill? A gilder wouldn't know good booze if it slapped him in the face. Yeah, he's drunk.
Speaker 1:Well, next part starts soon. So, um, hey, seraphina. Uh, can you go grab a mage, get a inebriation and hangover spell cure thing over here? Why are you calling that knife. You're over here. We don't need her. I'm not the kind that you think I am. Our story begins tonight in the town of Honeydale, a peaceful village in the mountains where all is quiet. It's just another day that ends in Y? Hmm, that's a lot of dogs. They seem to be chasing something. Is that a cat? A cat with a K, something? Is that a cat, a cat?
Speaker 2:with a cape. This is me, the cat in the cape. You're probably wondering how I, dracula the Lord of Darkness, got into this situation.
Speaker 1:Well, to answer that, we must go back away. A few hours earlier we find ourselves in Dracula's study.
Speaker 2:I have done it, Igor. Another masterpiece.
Speaker 1:Excellent Master. Which idea is this potion for exactly?
Speaker 2:Plan 17. It's all on the whiteboard, Igor.
Speaker 1:Of course, master, but uh, which plan is 17, sir? 17, it's all on the whiteboard, igor. Of course, master, but which plan is 17, sir?
Speaker 2:It's a very simple sorting system, igor, try to keep up ah, of course, master.
Speaker 1:I see my apologies. I'm over 4,000 years his senior and I have no clue what he is talking about.
Speaker 2:Your excused. As I was saying, with this potion of irresistibility I shall win the love of the butcher's daughter.
Speaker 1:Where did you get that potion exactly? The shopkeeper in town, oh him. This should be good One second. I need to make some popcorn.
Speaker 2:It is time now for my ascension.
Speaker 1:Good popcorn's ready Just in time. Sir, shouldn't you test it first? Oh boy, Okay, give me a D100.
Speaker 4:Uh what.
Speaker 1:For the potion effect.
Speaker 4:Why this is. Is this not a potion of irresistibility?
Speaker 1:Might be, I don't know. Ask the dice and we'll see You're scaring me.
Speaker 4:Might be, I don't know. Ask the dice and we'll see. Hahahahahahahahahahaha, they've scared me. Uh, uh, forty-two.
Speaker 1:Dracula suddenly vanishes without a trace, leaving behind only his clothes and a pile on the floor. Master, huh, great. Now I have to find a new vampire. Master. Time to get on that fantasy LinkedIn site, whatever they called it. Here lies Dracula, third of his name. He died as he lived drinking random s***. You'd think he'd have known better by now.
Speaker 5:I'm not dead, you idiots. Is that my voice? Cough, cough, cough. Is that my voice?
Speaker 1:Oh well, Master, I don't mean to alarm you, but you have a tail now. Well, it is irresistible to cat ladies and hurries.
Speaker 5:So somewhat a success. I'm a cat. I mean, of course, I'm a cat, the potion. It worked perfectly Just as I planned, cause everyone loves cats.
Speaker 1:Of course, master, as you say.
Speaker 5:Now it's off to town to win my bride's affection. Ha ha ha.
Speaker 1:Does he know about her relationship with cats? No, he will find out soon enough, though I'm making more popcorn. You want some? Yes, please, no butter, though Nurse Liz told me I need to watch my cholesterol.
Speaker 4:Alright, I leave the study.
Speaker 1:Dracula makes his way to town. It takes him quite a bit longer than normal, since his legs are tiny cat legs now, and he kept drifting on his tail and stopping to lick himself clean.
Speaker 5:Hey Talking voice. You promised you wouldn't say anything.
Speaker 1:I only said I wouldn't tell Igor.
Speaker 5:Thrap Stupid loopholes. Dracula arrives in the town of Honeydale just as the sun is going down.
Speaker 1:Igor Thrap Stupid loopholes. Dracula arrives in the town of Honeydale just as the sun is going down. Wait a minute, why didn't he catch on fire?
Speaker 4:Because he's a cat now, Not a vampire technically.
Speaker 1:Good point, I think Dracula enters the alleyway. His paw is almost silent on the cobblestone walkway. He pauses as he comes across. Holy crap, that's a big dog and it has a book on its face titled Evil Cats. At least it's asleep. Okay, give me a stealth check.
Speaker 4:Okay, okay, do I have advantage or any modifiers, since I'm a cat now?
Speaker 1:I'll give you advantage and a plus two.
Speaker 4:All right 16.
Speaker 1:Okay, the dog is fast asleep, one leg kicking randomly, almost as if he was running in his dream.
Speaker 4:Alright, I sneak by the dog quietly hugging the side of the buildings.
Speaker 1:As Dracula sneaks by the dog, he catches Dennis the werepup, on the roof holding a large flower pot.
Speaker 5:Dennis, no, no, dennis, yes, no. This is the way.
Speaker 1:The werepup throws the flowerpot, sending it crashing next to the sleeping dog. Ah, dang it what. They broke the camera.
Speaker 4:Should we tell the directors?
Speaker 1:We are the directors.
Speaker 4:Oh right, hey, that's expensive, Dennis you Dennis.
Speaker 1:With a howl, Dennis summons the pack. Howl Howl. Dracula flees for his furry little life.
Speaker 2:Ah, now that we are all caught up, someone help?
Speaker 1:me. Dracula tore at the corner and Wait a minute. Why is my voice?
Speaker 3:getting quieter.
Speaker 1:Wait, no, I'm not done.
Speaker 3:Action-packed and shocking news report. Members of the Guild, old TK wants to give the live updates on a 1080, or a Chase In progress. A quaint medieval city, a narrow cobblestone street, dark alleys fighting the dim light of nearby lanterns, the silence is broken with more bark than a maple grove. An old Dracula, looking like the fittest, finest, feline-iest phlebotomic fellow, is bounding up the cobblestone road. A pack of ferocious dogs in tow. Old Cat Dracula's really putting the moves on those mangy mongrels. I tell you those dogs are looking to make old Drac the snack that bites back. That's's that fuzzy furball of a vampire is darting this way and that Dodging, ducking, dipping, diving and dodging out of the way of the carnivorous canines.
Speaker 3:Just when that vindictive, vehement vampire thought he vexed the vacuous minds of the villainous dogs and emerged victorious, a terrible growl is heard. It's what old TK thought he vexed the vacuous minds of the villainous dogs and emerged victorious. A terrible growl is heard. It's what old TK can only describe as the mighty roar of a dragon, echoing from a distance. And I tell you what if that didn't get Count Puss Puss running the completely opposite direction, what could he be running from? Some form of gigantic, gelatinous-shaped-looking genius and afflicted with genuine gingivitis, a horrific and terrible creature from the deepest bowels of hell. No, it's much worse than they gave you. Or in other words, were turkey, that little, gone deep down, deep down into that cursed creation?
Speaker 3:But the Lord of Darkness is a wily one and has a trick or two up his furry little sleeve. Seeing his opening, old Drac pounced for an open door in the distance. His whiskers bounced in the breeze as he gracefully glided through the air. That Dende Geru is hot on his heels, though, and trying to waddle and gobble its foul-feathered fanny through the same door, only to be met by three inches of solid oak. Sounds like a Friday night to old TK Count. Kitty Claws hit that silver-susceptible turkey with the old razzle-dazzle, and now it's seeing stars Dracula 1. Dende Geiru 0.
Speaker 1:Hey, now that the chase is over, can I please do my job? Igor won't pay my bar tab unless I narrate Dracula's life.
Speaker 5:That was too close.
Speaker 1:Dracula pants after narrowly avoiding to wear turkey once again, he looks around the butcher's living room. The butcher is fast asleep in his chair, still clutching his cleaver after a hard day's work, oblivious to the ruckus at his doorstep, Dracula hears the sound of singing in the kitchen and as he approaches, sees the butcher's daughter inside sweeping the floor.
Speaker 4:I hop up on the counter next to her and look as cute as kittenly possible to her. And look as cute as kittenly possible, ahem.
Speaker 1:Meow. The butcher's daughter turns and looks at the kitten, her face changing from one of a smile quickly to one of utter horror.
Speaker 5:This is not the reaction I was expecting.
Speaker 1:Before he can go any further. The butcher's daughter rears back and Achoo. A loud explosion echoes through the night, as the sneeze of the Butcher's Daughter sends Cat Dracula flying through the sky like a rocket.
Speaker 5:Why didn't you say she was allergic to cats?
Speaker 1:Oh, must have slipped our minds. He soars through the night sky and comes crashing down into the mountains like a meteor.
Speaker 4:All right, Wait, don't tell me. Let me guess Saving throw.
Speaker 1:I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4:Since I'm a cat, do I get advantage? Because all cats land on their feet?
Speaker 1:Look, that only counts when they are falling from heights. You know less than a hundred feet.
Speaker 4:Alright, fair enough With dex modifier from cat sixteen.
Speaker 1:Dracula comes crashing into the mountain and is enveloped by darkness as he breaks through the surface of the stone he might actually make a half-decent dwarf that way and finds himself underground. He comes to several minutes later, surrounded in darkness. It appears he found himself in a cave, A cave with a fresh skylight that is shaped like a cat.
Speaker 5:Ouch that hurt.
Speaker 4:Where am I as I say this? I cast Dancing Lights to light up the cave.
Speaker 1:Oh, he shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have done that. I Where's my? I need more popcorn. Okay, give me a perception roll.
Speaker 4:Ugh, well, that's a three.
Speaker 1:Well, don't worry, you still pass.
Speaker 5:How, yes, how.
Speaker 1:Look behind you, furball. As the light of the cantrip comes into view, the cave is illuminated in a soft blue light. Dracula finds himself in a very large cavern. Piles of gold are covering the floor with large decorated gold and jeweled ornaments and chests, suits of armor and treasure fit for the richest king. And in the center of all these riches, on the richest king, and in the center of all these riches, on the largest mound of gold, at the center, a gigantic red dragon, oh dear. So tell me, furball, was this also in your perfect plan? Hey folks, thanks for listening to our Valentine's Day episode and next week, also in your perfect plan.
